Day 30 : Conclusion

Today is the final day of this 30 Day X-ray,which started in December.


I sat on the railing of my terrace this evening. I let my thoughts settle, to become quiet, and I allowed the whoosh of the wind to enfold me in an embrace. 

In that space, I asked the Lord in my heart for guidance in my writing. He guided me, His voice came so clearly to me, like a bell ringing in the twilight. Now I feel clear on how to continue with this blog, Play House Diaries, and other writing endeavors.

In reflection on this experiment, I realize that publishing a post every day wasn't a challenge at all.

My challenge was to be vulnerable every day, to surrender every day, to trust in myself every day. 

With this blog, almost every day I have opened the composition screen of Blogger without a clue of what I'd write. I have been learning to trust that the inspiration will come if I just write - I don't need to work.

I just need to be.

Just be me. Let it flow.

And the words have flowed. As each day has passed, the words have flowed from my heart into my fingers, onto the keyboard, and onto the screen.

Today marks the final day, yes, the final day, and I want to thank you for sharing this journey with me. I am honored. 

 

When I embark on another 30 day x-ray, I hope you join me again in the adventure.

Day 29 : Letter,sort of.

It was the first day of the last semester of my graduation period.Anyway I woke up and reached room number 47 by 8:45a.m.It was a nice start but college do not amuse me.People are judgemental but brushing that thought off is not really an easy thing always.Still bluntly,I be me.

Ayushi and Yitika told me directly that I avoid them,that I do not call or text them and completely forget them during breaks.After getting home,I received a text from Sen saying that I'm a miser as a friend,same thing..No Call or Text.On New year's eve,when clock struck 12,Sapna called up.Yes,I missed it.Later,when she called again,I had to pass a storm.

Ok.Yes,I find no credit being that lost or ignorant which got potential of creating misunderstanding of 'avoidance' but what I believe is that I do not.I'm always late in these things but anyway,yes late,I always do reply.

To be really true,I never really miss anybody.I remember them but those thoughts doesn't qualify itself to go up to my table,pull out the drawer,pick up the phone and bloody text to make you 'feel' missed.I just know you are fine!.I remember you and this is absolutely personal thing.

I have no grievances against anybody.I just get lost in my world.I just live a sabbatical during breaks.Believe me,I surely do not avoid you.

I'm not much of a phone-person anymore so being in a world of "text-me" is hard for me but I'll try to get that habit on.


P.S: Because Sen,I got you read this and nothing changed your mind..I'll share the my Pizza..OK?

Day 28 : Nothing

Nothing.

Just nothing.

I spent the day whirling from one place to another yet I couldn't figure out a single memorable moment.A lot happened but I just feel...nothingness.Nothing filled me with love.I observed too hard.That was a spoil-sport.

Got to restore things.

Seems the soul-vapour already started.

Day 27 : The River

Exactly one year ago,I was in the holy land of Vrindavan, & was waiting for the dawn to shine so that I could finally attend the auspicious Mangala-arati.

Now I write this in my room,after the New Year party we celebrated in ISKCON where I took my mother too.She was thrilled to see how a large number of youth turned up for the party.For Krishna.

During the Kirtan,I was just sitting in the corner of the main hall,opposite the deities of Gaura-Nitai.It's so strange to realize two moments so different to each other.A whole year passed!

So much changed between these two moments.They are so far apart to each other yet so close.Images of past flashed infront of my eyes.Images of Sri Shyamsundar,Darjeeling,Kolkata,and today's.Moments of dancing in Kirtan,waiting for jeep & trains to arrive,smiling glances of my relatives,weeping with love besides a river,gazing up at Kanchenjunga,laughing with my mother till my stomach hurts & silly whispering of confessions to my love & Sri Radha Parthasarathi.

So much happened.So much.I just could sit back and feel humbled by the way time throw me into the river of memorable moments and carries me to my destination of life.I have learnt to stop fighting the current a long ago.Just go with the flow.

So,here the next year filled with many more adventures of my soul.May this river keeps me flowing with or without any hurdles and fills me with water of peace & love.

Sri Radha Shyamsundar,Vrindavan

Sri Radha Parthasarathi,New Delhi

Day 26 : Goodbye 2013

I'm sitting by a crackling bonfire in my terrace and just a couple hours into the new year, which means that it's a perfect time to review the year and look forward.

If I were to title my year, I'd call it the year I got serious.Something interesting happened & I realized that I wasn't actually on track for a lot of my goals, that I was going to have to actually get serious about stuffs.Near the end of 2012, I promised to myself that I will be a bit strict & will not be nodding yes to everything.Previous years helped me to know that these reckless yes'es made me lazy & also I was lacking my heart.I thought of others more than what I really want.In that way,I kept my promise.I kept my heart.

I'm happy to say that the productive year materialized, and that my focus on getting serious has intensified.

In short, I spent my year re-focusing on things, I built a bit of a discipline, and I worked my way. Most days were satisfying but uneventful, but there were some highlights worth mentioning:

FINALLY VRINDAVAN

Yes! Finally Vrindavan! Though I'm on the banks of Krishna Consciousness,I so wanted to go and be there!.I spent the first three days of January in Vrindavan with family & it was more than just beautiful.

PLAY HOUSE DIARIES

I finally launched my blog in march this year which took a lot of work.I needed strength and there was a kind of a positive pressure to write good!.No,it was not something big but I gained confidence with every post.

Also,I did December-X rays,which proved quite a success in my case.

MEETING GRANDMA

 After a long 4 year and a half,I finally got to meet my Grandma.I wanted to see her in last december but as I failed to catch my train on time,I had to wait for next 6 months to pass.There was a certain kind of mirror I feel when I sit face to face with her.I see myself as her,the way she deals with everything & I feel pride when I know that when I'm not wrong.Also,she's the best storyteller.

VISITED DARJEELING and BENGAL

It was on Dad's wish-list & the visit there was expected.I'm almost done with Himalayas of North-India but there was no such greenery and freshness as I felt in Darjeeling.I met new people,made new friends,had amazing food & also,got to speak a tons of bengali with everyone.You can see my Bengal diary photo-journal here.

IT'S FINAL YEAR

I'm now a final year graduate student of history.I became more sincere of my studies,completed & submitted all of my assignments & managed to get full on 5 in Mod-west history.The other half of the final year will start soon & I've already started gearing up for that.

READ TONS

I read around 50 books this year. Some of them were awesome, some were terrible (never trust Amazon editor picks), but overall this was overwhelming for me. I feel like I learned a ton, both direct learning from nonfiction books and indirect understanding of story structure from fiction books.
  
Thoughts on Next year!

STUDY STUDY STUDY

I'm not sure if it's physically possible for me to study more than I did in 2013,I would like to give it a shot.I got heavy dream-trodden goals to achieve and I can't let my studies to backfire on them.

NO DATING

I plan on putting zero effort into dating until 2016. I'm not going to be a total robot about it (if I happen to meet someone awesome, I'll follow through), but I'll spend no time or effort on that.I had a very poor year in this feild which I would really like to put a stop on that!

NO MOVIES

Oh boy! I'm no more spending a single penny on movie halls anymore.I realized except visual treats,I tend to wake up on a stranger's shoulder,sleeping all the way.

I will watch movies occasionally that Bhai would download it for me otherwise than that,No way!

PROBABLY NOT MUCH TRAVEL

I guess like 2013,I'll be doing an awesome trip to Kinnaur in May with my family, but I don't have anything else on the radar.( Yes,I feel bad about it).

LANGUAGE

I'm committing myself to learn 2000 common words of Spanish & may switch to Arabic as well.Though I'm a bit better in Spanish than Arabic,I would really like to join classes if I need to.

MORE MASTERPIECES

I went to four art museums this year, saw a ballet, three theatre, a piano concert, two musical festivals( both Sufi & rock) and visited four beautiful nature areas.Once a week I try to experience a masterpiece of some sort because I find they inspire me in an emotional way that very little else does, and they tend to be high quality entertainment.They need to grow in numbers.
P.S: Hearing to Abida Parveen was a great deal.Thanks to my father.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

New Years has no particular meaning to me, since starting a year on January first is completely arbitrary, and measuring your life in year increments is almost as arbitrary, but it does provide a convenient time to reflect on a past chunk of time and make adjustments for the future.

In other words-- I hope your life has been going well, and that it continues to do so, whether you use this time to reflect and plan or not.

Wish you all the best in future.

Day 25 : Perplexed?

"One's greatest weaknesses have the potential to become one's greatest strengths."

I coined this phrase when I was in a phase of my life when I was deeply struggling with emotional eating. I was experiencing so much mental, emotional, and physical pain; I felt that surely this pain could fuel great realizations to not only uplift myself but the world.

On that note, this morning I was really accepting that in this lifetime I have a perplexed mind. I have struggled with many heavy issues in my mind that deal with my bodily features, weight, or how I have had issues with leaders, men, family, friends. I've been embracing that these perplexities aren't good or bad. When I dovetail these perplexities for Krishna, my condition can actually be sublime. So many powerful realizations come when I surrender to the pain. I grow.

Then, when I share these realizations with others, they can relate with my struggles. Yes, I'm not alone. Then they can experience some hope and strength to overcome and transcend those struggles, too. If I can share my heart and offer this small service, then truly my weaknesses have become my strengths.  

Day 24 : The Sound of Silence

I walk through the cold and wet streets, the mehrauli evening seems so quiet to me. I enter the park and walk past dry leaves piled up against empty benches. Round park lights are already lit,like so many candle flames.I'm surrounded with trees & one or two glittering stars. The trees are all covered.

I gingerly sit on a cold bench before the old monument. I glance up at few bare branches which seem to reach for the sky.

Now, the world is silence - I seem to be surrounded by so much silence.

Every time I come here I feel this silence, and in that silence the emotion of gratitude always emerges. I feel grateful to everyone for giving me a reason to live. I feel grateful to Krishna. I feel grateful to be breathing and to be on the path of love, true love.

I close my journal and rise to my feet, gazing at the stars.I don't know why but I then kneel to the ground and touch my forehead to the cold concrete bricks in obeisance. When I stand again, I whisper, "Thank you " and turn around to leave.

Walking away, I can still hear the silence.


P.S: Few joggers thought I collapsed.I guess they thought right.I did collapsed in gratitude.